Maybe Swearing Will Help?

So I promised that I’d write a little about this job that pushed me far over the edge. I knew a few weeks in that this was going to be quite a ride. I mean, hell, I got zero training so learned everything on my own. Strike 1.

Within the first few weeks of getting feedback, I should have known this was about to get interesting. I was told I stay in my office too much. (In my own defense, this was my first time having an office to myself, so I was enjoying it…) I was told I don’t ask enough questions. How’s a girl suppose to know what questions to ask if I know nothing of the subject?!? No one understood that. And it was beyond frustrating. But I powered through. I continued to do the work the best I could, albeit with minimal support and did a pretty damn good job if I do say so myself.

It was such a weird, toxic, unorganized environment. Passive aggressive emails that flew around like planes at O’Hare, a supervisor that don’t even wish you a happy birthday (I mean, I don’t need a parade by any means, but social norms, come on!) and just flat out rude people. I will say, there were a few there that I truly did enjoy working with. But the ones I didn’t just completely ruined it. Strike 2.

As time went on, things were far from getting better. I felt incompetent on a daily basis and completely unwelcome there. I like to think I’m a pretty likable person. Easy going, friendly, passionate, outgoing, funny and (most of the time) pretty positive. I have a great work ethic and put everything into what I’m working on.(Okay, I’m done, I promise) This job made me someone I’m not. Unhappy, uninspired, negative, yet sometimes still funny. And I could not put up with it any longer. I tried to listen to Cara Alwill Leyba’s podcast Style Your Mind at the office to try and keep me in a positive mindset. It worked until I got another one of those shitty emails.

After a conversation, it was suggested that I eat lunch with them in the office conference room at least once a week because I should make memories with them and get to know them as they are all very different outside of work. Okay, where do I even start here….1.) My lunch is an hour away from there. That’s a HARD PASS. 2.) If your work makes you a completely different person than you are, WHY ARE YOU THERE?!?! and 3.) What the hell?! Seriously…NO. Just no. None of it. Strike 3.

That was it. I couldn’t do it.  At this point, my anxiety was crushing me. I’d have panic attacks as I laid in bed at night, relaxing and trying to sleep. When I did sleep, it was not restful. I’d dread getting out of bed in the morning knowing I had to go into that office & put on my “happy-ish” face. I was so miserable I couldn’t even get up the motivation to go to the grocery store (which I actually enjoy!) after work. It was affecting me mentally, emotionally and physically, as well as my friendships. I truly felt depressed, and I do not use that word lightly. I came to the conclusion that it was time to move it. As I laid in bed, I asked God to send me a sign so I knew I’d be making the right decision. I’d been praying a lot. And shortly after asking for that sign, I saw my friend Michelle had posted this article: Maybe God Is Making You Wait Because He Wants You To Learn That There’s No Timeline For Anything In Life. That was all I needed.

The minute I decided to resign, I felt a wave of relief. Although I still worry about money, I know I made the right call. So for anyone who is feeling stuck, uninspired or is just plain unhappy, I encourage you to make a change. It’s amazing how much I feel like myself again. A job should not make anyone feel like that.

Don’t be afraid of change. Do what is best for you. Trust that it all happens for a reason. (As cliche as it is, just trust it.) And to answer the title’s question, fuck yes swearing always helps.




Note: This post is not intended to bash a former employer, but to share my experience and encourage others to make a change if they are not happy.

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